Why do I resent my husband after having a baby?
You just gave birth, even though you’re happy, you’re tired, drained and overwhelmed. You know you need to go out, meet friends, start working out, have fun but at the same time you don't want to miss a moment with your little one. While your life has changed completely, your partner’s seems unchanged.
He has started going to work, his gym, meeting friends for drinks and dinner and of course sleeping peacefully. He doesn’t understand the physical stuff, he has no idea how much you’re going through or how much you have even gone through while carrying your baby for 9 months and then birthing. He doesn't know the pain, the emotions, the loss of identity, the rage and the load of motherhood. Then you wonder, if he understands how you don't feel attractive in your own body and have the fear of him not finding you attractive? There are so many unspoken feelings and all you hope is this to be temporary.
Before you begin, know that you don't have to do this alone and we are always here to support you.
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There's a study that says, around 67% of couples experience reduced relationship satisfaction in the first three years after having a child.
At Soulside, we wanted to understand how our Postpartum community felt towards their partner in the days and weeks after birth. So we talked to the moms and we found that more than half of the new moms have developed rage and resentment towards their partner.
This is what few of them had to say :
“I was unsure if it was baby blues or postpartum depression. But, I knew it was the hormones. I hated watching him sleep, going to work, and continuing with his day peacefully.” - Clara
“Being a new mom is wonderful but nobody tells you about those unspoken feelings. I didn’t know why I was losing my temper at him even if he was just trying to help and be supportive.” - Monica
“I started looking for divorce attorneys and he was clueless. I wish he would have understood what I was going through. I was vulnerable and defensive at the same time.” - Steph
"I felt like I was raising the baby alone. He was there but also not there at the same time.” - Alex
Why are you feeling distant?
- Adjusting to New Roles: You became a mom and it feels like your whole world turned upside down. Your needs now come second while you care for your little one. You don’t have time for yourself and you miss that. You’re in love with your baby yet you’re unsure of your abilities as a mom. Maybe this has created an emotional distance between you and your partner.
- Sleep Deprivation: You’re sleep deprived and that’s been affecting your mood. You don’t remember the last time you had a good night's sleep. The lack of rest has made you irritable, and small misunderstandings between you and your partner are turning into bigger issues.
- Changes in Daily Routines: Before the baby,you and your partner had a comfortable routine. After your little one arrived, that routine went out the window, and you’re struggling to find quality time together between work, housework, and caring for the baby.
Remember, you're not alone on your motherhood journey. If you need additional support, Soulside is here for you. Book your free consultation now!
Tips to maintain connection?
- Open communication: As a couple, you need to discuss your feelings, concerns and expectations openly and honestly. You need to understand that it’s a big change for your partner too and that’s why treat him with emptahy. Be ready to listen to your partner's concerns as well, if any.
- Sharing Responsibilities: You need to know that you’re a team and shoukd work together as a team to manage chores and baby duties. Talk to him about your needs and expectations and set realistic goals for sharing responsibilities. Don't hesitate to ask for extra help when you need it from your friends and family as well.
- Making Time for Intimacy: Even though you’re parents now, you are a couple first. Prioritize your relationship by setting aside time for date nights or even engaging in small gestures. Suggest ways you'd like to be treated emotionally and physically.
- Seeking Professional Support: If you feel that your relationship is struggling or you're finding it difficult to cope with the changes, consider seeking guidance from a relationship counselor or therapist. It can help you adjust to the parenting stage, learn how to deal with struggles without blame or judgment, and strengthen your connection.
Here are some useful tips to keep the relationship strong after having a baby:
- Communicate openly and honestly about feelings and expectations.
- Prioritize quality time together, such as date nights.
- Be understanding and patient with each other. You both are new to this.
- Get support from friends, family, or professionals when needed.
- Make time for self-care.
- Show appreciation for each other's efforts.
- Keep a positive attitude and maintain a sense of humor.
- Always work together as a team.
