Episode 1 - Monica's Soulside Story
The inspiration for starting a series called Soulside Stories came to us when we talked with one of our long-term members, Monica Torrez. As we spoke to Monica, we realized that there are probably countless other mothers out there with stories just as powerful, but often untold.
So here we are with Monica's story from pregnancy to postpartum, in her own words.
Before you begin, know that we're here to support and help you in your motherhood journey.
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"My name is Monica Torrez and I grew up In Santa Ana, California. I fell madly in love with a childhood friend and we married shortly after. He knew I was unable to have children effortlessly, traditionally, and if we were to have them they would have to be adopted or through DE IVF.
One very painful experimental stem cell transplant and two failed IVF transfers (abroad) later, we found ourselves in Utah undergoing what I determined would be my last-ditch effort to become a mother. Procedure after painful procedure, shot and shot and sweat, blood and tears yielded one very successful embryo transfer of our baby girl.
Labor seemed a scary task for most women but I think that I feared it more being that my journey had already been a treacherous one. I tried to push those thoughts out of my heart and mind and focus on the baby growing inside of me but that same voice that nagged at me all those years ago spoke to me again. This time, it was a sacred voice that insisted I opt for c-section and not even attempt a vaginal birth. Again, I was met with “You're a healthy young woman and your baby is healthy. There's no reason to worry. Don’t worry”.
She was due on March 20th and by the 24th I went into the hospital for an induction. I underwent an induction for 4 days and on the 28th the baby was stressed and lodged in my pelvis. The pain was so intense that I felt as though I was on a different plane of existence altogether. Turns out a doctor had told me to push when I wasn't fully dilated and I needed an emergency C-section.
Rumi came out yellow and after seeing her through a plexiglass box for 10 seconds was wheeled away to the NICU for an infection she got from my uterus. I didn't get to hold her, smell her or feel her first new little exhales on my cheek like so many new mamas do. It was taking a bit longer than I expected which concerned me but my husband didn't seem worried so I stayed calm. I heard them say “Okay- you're all stitched up and will be with the baby in no time”.
As they wheeled me back to the post-op room I started to shiver. “All normal,” they said. I responded with ' this doesn't seem normal’ to which they said “This is your first baby, you’ll see, it’ll go away soon and you won't shiver in about 20 minutes.” A couple of nurses slowly came into the room expecting to not find much going on. However, they quickly noticed that unfortunately, that was not the case.
Turns out that they had accidentally cut an artery behind my uterus and hadn't known it before stitching me back up. I was bleeding internally. The worst thing one can hear a medical professional say is “We're going to do our best to get you through this”. In the 5 seconds I had before the anaesthesia kicked in, I had to make peace with the very real reality that after fighting for more than half my life to be a mother- I might never get to hold my baby. Seeing her for those few seconds was all I would have lived for motherhood and if this was the end for me I wanted to die in a euphoria.
I woke up days later in the ICU unable to move my own body and in a magnitude of pain, I never knew existed- worse than labor. My body was entirely unuseful to me and I cried- not for myself but for my child. Children were not allowed on the ICU floor which meant that I could not see her or hold her.
My early days of motherhood were allowing myself to be taken care of so that I could make my way back to my daughter. I started small by sitting up alone, and then came moving my legs alone (the bleeding from the cut artery caused me to have a blood clot and compartment syndrome) so moving my legs was not an easy task. After nine excruciatingly painful days I made it to that floor but the baby was still getting IV antibiotics so she couldn't be in the room with me however I could see her whenever I wanted as many times as I wanted. She made it home before me and was taken care of by my mother while I was still fighting to return to some state of post-labor health."
A message for moms from Monica:
"Toward the end of this beautiful, terrifying, surreal experience I remembered receiving some flowers from friends and Soulside sisters who were with me through my entire pregnancy journey. All of our babies had been born just weeks apart from one another and as each of us went into labor we supported each other in all the ways we needed. While in the surgical unit, I received a shipment of flowers that said something to the effect of “You're a strong mama. We love you and believe in you.” On days that I felt I was too low, too weak, too damaged to continue to fight, those words and that love gave me the extra push I needed to carry on. We’re all still close and continue to be a part of each other's lives.
There’s seriously no way I could have made it through this journey mentally sound without having had the support I needed from my soulside sisters and mediators. Nothing can compare to the advice that you get from someone who knows exactly what it feels like to be a mama. Advice to mothers is vast and compounded by complexities but I think all one needs to know is that is, no matter how tough your journey is the fight of a mother exists inside all of us long before a baby does."
In our conversation with Monica, we began by asking how she came across Soulside and why she decided to join. Here's what she had to say:
I found Soulside on a Mom’s forum app. I had recently moved from California to New Jersey leaving my friends and family. I found myself without a support system aside from my immediate family. I needed to branch out and find some support elsewhere.
When asked how Soulside and her group supported her during pregnancy and postpartum, Monica shared:
Soulside and my group supported me during my journey by giving me grace and kindness in a space where I was able to be myself and share my deepest thoughts and feelings while on my journey. Postpartum, I do not think I would have made it through had I not had my Soulside sisters to cheer me on and pick me up. There were days when I physically was not able to get out of my bed. I had a place to go to share the frustrations of that amongst women who allowed me to arrive in a place just as I was.
Our facilitators are truly the heart of our Soulside community. This is what Monica had to say about her experience with her facilitator:
My Soulside prenatal facilitator, Meg, was a mother to me. She calmed and soothed my every concern and cheered me on as I set out on my labor journey. Sometimes I would call her crying, crumpled in fear of having miscarried over something as small as a pain in my back and she was immediately available to me and never made me feel silly for having blown such a small issue into grand proportions.
My Soulside post-labor group facilitator, Sasha, was a light in a truly dark place full of uncertainty and fear. There’s enough fear to drive a woman mad post-labor-fear of baby not waking up, fear of the baby being injured in some way-fear that I’m doing it all wrong- but I had layers and layers of fear that she’d help me peel back weak after week. She was my calm waters after a treacherous storm, a safe place for me to land and look within myself for everything I needed to heal myself and care for my child.
When asked what she was looking for when she joined Soulside we believe it’s a very important question.
Sometimes I would show up to a session and just cry and cry and she never made me feel like I couldn't do that there. Sometimes I would show up angry, envious, sometimes confused and she never made me feel like my feelings were insignificant. I actually can not imagine motherhood without her by my side, which is a scary thought because I’m not sure I’m allowed to stay with Soulside till my daughter is 18 years old lol.
And finally, we were curious to know if she’d recommend Soulside to a friend:
Without Soulside I would not be as confident a mother. I would not know how to trust myself to be a mother. It helps to know that I am not alone and that other women are struggling similarly.
I recommend Soulside to friends. I recommend Soulside to the family. I recommend Soulside to strangers. I couldn't imagine my journey without it.
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